Sunday, May 27, 2007

Seoul, Pony & Muscial, Shichida

Can't wait to go to Seoul on Tuesday but my nasty cough is threatening to return. There goes any hope of eating spicy food at every meal for next few days. Last night, I suddenly thought of the possibility of any mishaps during the trip and should both E and I were to perish, our boys would become orphans. So we have to make our wishes known to grannies. We definitely wish for the boys to be looked after by grannies and preferably in Singapore so that they can be near to the extended families. Also Singapore is definitely a better place to raise children given that it is safer, has better pre-tiertiary education system and generally a nicer society since we don't have to deal with racism and being treated as second-class citizens and the better quality of life here.

Took M to his first musical, the Little Red Hen on Saturday at the Alliance Francias. He was attentive most of the time but he didn't seem to enjoy it as much as I had hoped. Asked him questions about the musical afterwards, he didn't bother to reply me most of the time. Went to a pony riding party, also his first, at the Singapore Polo Club after SM class on Sunday and he had such fun riding pony. Went for his first round and asked to go again after, but halfway through his second round, the pony suddenly got excited/scared by the loud music in the background and poor M was quite shaken by how the pony jumped. Luckily E was there next to him, holding on to him, otherwise he could have fallen off.



E has been taking M to SM class for past 3 weeks and I must say the bonding between the boys is really excellent. Has to have something to do with it since according to E, M is really good with the ESP segment. When he went with me the first few lessons, he didn't do that well at ESP. Sigh. And he did really well today for all the segments and was really enjoying every activity. He even shouted 'teacher I've done it' whenever he finished an activity. Haha!


Friday, May 25, 2007

Story, Drawing,

Read Marcus a not very exciting Big Bear story before bedtime last night and cuddled him after while trying to get him to talk to me about school or anything at all. He was so cute with his smiles and little dimples and all and I just can't stop admiring him. This big (at that instant he did look really big) boy who was once a tiny bundle. 

Then he told me a story about a Big Cat which took a bus to got to school to see teacher Nazia whom he is very fond of and teacher Nazia likes the Big Cat too. And there is a Big Dog somewhere in the storyline but now I can't remember what the dog does. After every sentence, he would let out a giggle and showed off his small dimples at each side of his mouth and he was very tickled by his story himself. Aww.. I must cherish such moments before he becomes too big and won't do it with me anymore.


Drawing
Before he went into class this morning, I encouraged him to go in and draw papa a bus but he said 'no, draw a small single decker bus on top of a small double decker bus' and I asked him if there is a cat somewhere in the drawing, he said 'no, cat is inside'. Haha! Marcus has been drawing lots of buses and taxis lately and some of them look really good, complete with the wheels and windows! Every Friday, his school will pass them a folder in their name which consists of all the paper work they did for that week and this being the first time he brought back his folder, it has a substantial amount of paintings, drawings and collages which he did since he started school. What a precious little collection..

I just realise how Marcus' favourite pastime has changed over the past months. He was really fond of Lego for a few months and could build such impressive buildings. Then he moved on to puzzles and could even do the 36 pieces Infantino Alphabet and Occupation puzzle on his own. So we got him the 56 pieces Giant Farm floor puzzle which he worked on daily for a month and could complete with some help. He has indeed come a long way from the time he started his first 2 and 4 pieces puzzle at 18 months. After he got bored with puzzles, he went on to playdoh and now he seems to be done with playdoh and shifted his interest back to drawing.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Baby N drives, waves and chases!

It is amazing how just one day of antibiotics for N and he is already back to his smiling self. He is especially clingy to me these days, would cry his heart out whenever he sees me, wanting to be carried. Breaks my heart to see him so I usually give in. He doesn't enjoy sitting in playpen at all, unlike M who used to play on his own a lot while I sat at the side talking to him. He loves his walker though and would explore the rooms non stop, pulling a lot of M's toys and chasing his snail and ball. I realise recently how much N loves driving. He laughed a lot when grandpa put him behind a wheel on a ride recently and instantly his two tiny hands were on the steering wheel steering away. Very pro looking with a gigantic smile. Someone told me recently that every man dreams of owning a Ferrari, though I beg to differ really. But it does seem like all boys loves steering and driving.

After his 2.5 weeks of cold, N's appetite still hasn't returned with a vengence. He didn't gain any weight in past 3 weeks either, though he still weighs more than M at 7.5mths of age. 

He started waving 'bye bye' 2 weeks ago. Should really teach him how to clap and blow kisses, but I haven't had that much time with him these days as we want grannies to spend more time with the boys before we leave for our trip tomorrow since grannies must know the boys very well to look after their every needs for the next 4 days. 

N has been "talking" so much more these days, making a lot of "dededede", 'dadadada' and "ahh aah" sounds and would respond to whatever that we say with his "sentences" which make up of over 10 syllabus. Even M remarked earlier that "baby brother can talk". It would be hilarious if N's first word is 'car' or 'bus' after hearing Marcus says it a million times a day. Whenever N holds a car/bus that belongs to Marcus, he would utter lots, and sometimes while looking at us, as if to tell us something about the toy.

He will chase anyone who has food in our hands if he is in his walker. So funny to watch how he moves his mouth and lick his lips whenever he sees anyone of us eating.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Antibiotics, bus crashes, porridge

The much dreaded antibiotics finally made it into my boys' tummies. I kept reminding myself that M was not sick for his first 12 months, so I feel especially sorry for lil N who has already been sick twice before and this time being the third, in his brief 7.5 months life so far. It just seems incredibly unfair for a tiny baby to have to suffer so much, though I know I have greatly exaggerated his suffering, as compared to millions of other suffering children out there. But which mother will not feel sorry for their little ones when you have to administer so much medicine into their tiny mouths a few times a day. 

After 2 weeks and 2 days of on-off fever and runny nose, I gave up and took him in again, for third time, to see the damned PD (I swear we are changing PD after this round of sickness). I know he will be given blood test to confirm for bacteria infection and antibiotics if any is found. I just can't get over the fact that he needs to take any antibiotics at such young age. Oh well, there is mild, very very mild bacteria infection as the PD said, looking at the report, in fact, he can't even be sure if it is viral or bacteria (if whatever that he mumbles to himself is what I heard) but when I asked him again, he just said to take the antibiotics and he should get better in 3 days, if not go back to see him. 

I wanted to scream at him when he said that. N HAS TO GET BETTER, bloody hell! Of course I didn't let that out of mouth. Useless doctor. I blame him and the world for the sickness that my baby has, justified or not, I don't care. 

My cough is getting better, very slowly and it annoys me a great deal. Whatever comfort I get from seeing M being chirpy and well now helps a little but I just can't help but worry if M will catch something from me or N if we don't get well soon enough. M had his first antibiotics last week too, without a blood test. I don't know why I agreed to it without a blood test, I think all the stress accumulated over the week from my sleep deprivation and cough and watching my tiny babies suffer fried my brain somewhat. I just wasn't as sharp as I should be. Anyway he did recover on day 2 of taking antibiotics. Brave lil boy who screamed his head off, covered his mouth and fought 4 adults who held on to every limb and all other parts of his strong lean body while forcing the bitter antibiotics down his throat, eventually agreed to take it in his big bottle of milk for subsequent days. I consoled myself that I grew up with numerous courses of antibiotics since our GPs back then prescribed it easily even for viral cold and I am fine. So a course each now will not weaken them that much more.


Bus Crashes
M seems especially fond of bus crashes lately. Must be some TV images he saw which gives him the idea. He has been reenacting similar scenes with his buses/taxi and cars piling up on top of each other or laying awkwardly in all sorts of "crash" positions. His favourite being the "upside down" and he would ask me smilingly "mama, what happen to the bus?' Very cute to watch how he could spend hours playing like this. Is this creativity or the lack of it? I really can't say.


Porridge
Cooked N his first bowl of brown rice porridge with the slow cooker yesterday and he really wasn't fond of it. Ate 3 teaspoons and was done. Being first try of porridge and he was so used to the milky taste of his cereals must have made the porridge tasted especially bland. I guess his poor appetite didn't help either. I polished off the rest as attempt to console myself that all the goodness is not wasted, but I really doubt there is much left. I really doubt that porridge is that much healthier, except for the fact that I use organic whole grains. How can there be much nutrients left if we have to cook whatever there is for over 45 min??!! Much easier to batch cook the 'ang moh' style babyfood which I used to make for M since he never had any liking for chinese style porridge and still hates it. I must admit I am not fan of it either, but I tell myself I should try for a while for N to see if he will become a fan of the super porridge as Ruth Yaron (author of SBF) calls it. What appeals to me is the term 'super porridge' as it implies that if my baby loves super porridge, his immune system and health will be transformed into a super status. I still haven't introduced enough new tastes to N and I am not as excited about weaning as I was before with M. Also, I was so patient before, giving M up to 10 tries to like/hate the new taste, and with N I find it trying to try again. Nope, baby deserves the best, whether he is #1 or #2. Gotta try harder at weaning. Hopefully he gets well in a few days, I shall make a list of the new food to introduce in June.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Grannies' love, Hocus Pocus







So nice to see how much grannies love both boys.
Grandpa has been especially fond of chic-chic whom he plastered to his face the whole day, sings lullaby to and cuddled to sleep. It is heartwarming to watch how chic-chic has returned the affection now. He seems especially comfy now with grandpa. My baby is so adorable, so it is hard not to fall head over heels in love with him. Nicholas has 6 teeth now and simply loves chewing. And Marcus is ever so charming with his cute antics and witty responses.


Hocus Pocus
Magician grandpa indeed! Now Marcus would say 'hocus pocus, grandpa change the taxi into a red bus' while shutting his eyes with a big smile. And magician grandpa would perform his magic trick and grant his wish, as long as his wish doesn't involve changing the vehicle he holds in hand into something else that we don't have in the house. So grandpa cannot change it into a green fire engine or red taxi, the latter being Marcus' most common wish these days. We can't find one in Toys R Us so magician grandpa can't make that wish come true either. Haha! Nevertheless it is so cute to see how Marcus really believe in the magic words 'hocus pocus'.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Mummy doesn't love me

Marcus was upset at bedtime last night and wanted papa. I went to comfort him and got his 'I don't want mama, mama go away, i want papa' lines again. Told him I love him and he finally said 'no, mummy doesn't love me. mummy loves chic-chic' referring to Nicholas and added 'papa loves me'. My heart sank. Told him yes, papa loves him, but I love him too, to which he replied again that I don't. Asked him if papa loves chic chic and he said 'no, papa loves marcus'.

Finally the confirmation of why he has been rejecting me. It hurts so much to hear him say that, especially when it means that he must have suffered somewhat too from feeling this way, despite all my efforts to reassure him and how i take pains to ensure minimal sibling rivalry and watch everything i do and say to him, hoping to make him feel that my love for him has not changed since N's arrival. This is the first time he has expressed his feelings about this matter so explicitly. I don't really know what else to do, except continuing what I have been doing so far and try to find even more time to spend solo time with him, without sacrificing time with N.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Sick, Shichida

First Marcus got a cough, then Nicholas got a cold with no cough. Few days later, both boys start to have fever and after 5 days, before they show any signs of recovery, I am down with sore throat and slight cough. Hectic week and sleep deprivation aren't helping and I am so not looking forward to Monday. It was great that grannies were around to help out last week, with them around, I felt better leaving Nicholas home while I get Marcus to school and fetch him back. The day felt so long, especially when boys are sick and me feeling all tired and worn out. With help, it certainly makes tons of difference, though I still didn't get to lie down much during the day. Didn't help either that my heart feels heavy, burdened by other stresses. I feel so sorry for little Nicholas though he still smiles at me a lot, but doesn't seem to be as much as usual. Barely 7 months and already he is sick thrice while Marcus didn't get sick at all for his first 12 months. Poor baby just wanted to be close to be me all day long. So incredibly sweet.

Yesterday, Nicholas sat in the walker for first time and really loved it. Chased his snail. E made a lovely video of him chuckling and chasing the snail. Finally he is mobile.


Shichida
E attended SM class with Marcus today for first time since I have lost some of my voice. He already said before that he is prepared to send M for 4 terms without seeing results since he can appreciate that it will take a while to see results. Asked him what he thought after sitting in for a session and he was impressed. Maybe we should also consider sending Nicholas when he is older.

Friday, May 11, 2007

Hectic week

I am thoroughly exhausted. Been waking up at 6am and sleeping at 1130pm with no breaks in between. For past few days, it was fairly easy to get Marcus to school, with little objections from him and these 2 days, not a tear even. Hopefully, next week onwards, I can drop him off at the school entrance with just a hug, kiss and wave goodbye with him waving back with a smile. With the sleep deprivation and stress from all sources, my immune system is going haywire now, threatening me with a cough and other accompanying sicknesses which will probably rob me of my much needed weekend of fun and rest. Doh! Met up with Carol today and learnt that she is expecting #3. I have mixed feelings about the news. Happy for them and at same time, wonder if I will ever be this brave again. Have always wanted 3 kids like she does, and i know waiting too long will definitely mean stopping at 2, though we have announced that we will stop at 2. I wonder if I really stopped at 2, will I ever look back and regret this decision when I am older and be one of those old people who tell younger folks that "I wish I had gone ahead and have another baby" since after all, I have always wanted to have 3 kids since I was in my 20s.

Monday, May 7, 2007

Love













These days, Nicholas has shown clear preference for me. He will extend his arms and turn his body towards me if he sees me and cry if I am not moving towards him to pick him up, even if he is already in someone else's arms. Sometimes he would turn frantically searching for me if he could hear my voice but not see me. Once he is in my arms, he will fuss a lot if I have to pass him over to someone else to be carried, and stops instantly he is passed back to me. My baby loves his mummy! Aww.. melts my heart.

Nicholas is such a smiley and happy baby. Always chuckling and smiling at everyone. He simply idolises Marcus and everything that he does. Especially loves the Fisherprice red train which Marcus used to love too.

Day 3 & 4

Day 3
Was last Friday. Took Marcus to school earlier, hoping that being the first few to enter the classroom, he would be less scared and put off and help make saying goodbyes easier, at least if it buys me more time. Reached there at 7.45am, but school wasn't opened, so waited outside till busloads of kids appear. At 8am, when school opened, carried Marcus in as he refused to walk. He started crying when approaching the classroom and when Nazia came out to welcome him, he was still upset. Nazia asked gently if I can let her take over to comfort, I thought it is good idea and passed Marcus over, though he was still crying. Since I couldn't enter the room now to calm him down (I didn't go in for first 2 days, so can't do it now as it may do more damage than help to his separation anxiety, though it would have helped mine), and I just know staying outside with him will not help. He cried even louder which broke my heart. I said my quick goodbye and hid in a corner so he couldn't see me and peeped for a long time. He was brought to a table where the other children were and I heard him asked Nazia "can you draw me a long long bus please". Aww.. my baby has manners even when he is so upset. And almost immediately he stopped crying and I could see his shoulders going gently up and down, just sobbing slightly I guess. He stood around the table, next to Nazia and other kids and watched her draw and them doing something with their pencils. At one point, he picked up one and began to scribble too. Then I left so I could go home quickly to spend time with Nicholas who was staying home with daddy. Went back at 1030am, peeped again and saw him sitting on a rug alone, with a container of something which I couldn't tell for sure. Asked him later and didn't get response either. He wasn't doing anything with it, but was just observing other kids doing their stuff. Nazia saw me peeping outside and she went over to him and got him to roll up his rug on his own and I was amazed how he could do it very well. Then I quickly ran outside and waited for him to come out. When he came out with his little schoolbag, he looked sooooooo adorable and tiny, just melts my heart! Saw me and had such a big smile. Aww.. I went forward immediately, greeted him with my warmest smile and gave him a big cuddle. Put him down and immediately he offered, 'mama, I had fun at school today.' I was so happy that I wanted to cry, but didn't of course. Gave him a tight squeeze and told him how happy I am to hear that. Asked him what he did in school, if he did this and that and to most questions, he just nodded, said yes or ignored me and tell me buses and taxis. Asked him if he was hungry, said yes, so fed him the salmon scrambled egg which papa made for him. Jacob, another boy who started school same day as Marcus was there eating his sandwiches and pear and his mum offered Marcus some. He happily took 2 pieces and ate them after he finished all his egg. He even told Jacob's mum that his papa made him the scrambled egg. So cute.

Then we took double decker to Orchard Road to please him further, walked to Paragon and immediately he said 'we need to go to Toys R Us'. I don't think he knows there is one there, but it is his FAVOURITE shop now. He found his own way to the Tomy cars section and once there, he kept telling me about every car he sees, either 'I've got this one at home' or 'mama, we need to buy this one'. Then went to the staff nearby, gave one man his imaginary $5 which he took out of his pocket and told the guy 'I pay for this car'. Haha!

Went to the playground one level down later and he had so much fun at the slides and house, opening and closing the door and refusing others any entry. Told them it is 'too crowded'. Hee hee.. Then he played with the Thomas Tank Engine trains at ELC for a while with 2 other noisy Caucasian boys. Very bad mannered and rowdy compared to Marcus. One was screaming so loud ALL the time and another was just pushing and snatching a lot. Stood behind Marcus watching, so I could intervene quickly if needed. Marcus wanted to get past one boy at one point while pushing a train on the track and he told the boy 'excuse me' and 'thank you' when he got past. Then when the boy tried snatch his trains away, he told him 'these are Marcus's trains and held them real tight.


Day 4
Huge improvement from first 3 days. Greeted teachers willingly and only cried when about to enter classroom. Said no to me, but when Nazia came to door and welcomed him with open arms, he willingly went to her, though still clutching my hands. I let him go and told him 'i love him very much and that I will be outside waiting for him when he finishes school'. Then hid at a corner watching him and saw him calmed down WITHIN a minute. Attended 3 hrs. When he came out he was smiley too, but overwhelmed by the number of parents standing outside school to fetch others. Told me he ate a star shaped biscuit and it was very delicious. Told E later at night without being asked that he 'had fun at school' AGAIN. Definitely excellent news. Spoke to his teacher at length over phone today and found out in details his progress and what he did at school. Was told he is able to express well for his age, considering new environment and also very enthusiastic with all new materials introduced.

Saturday, May 5, 2007

Ice Age

Our new favourite family movie is Ice Age.

It makes Marcus laugh so much and I enjoy it as much as he does since much of my enjoyment is also derived from seeing my boy chuckle.

A few times each day, Marcus will take one of the Playdoh implements and pretend to bend and break it while mumbling something in front of me with a big cheeky smile. I could not make out what he says for a while, something that sounds like "this is a stick of kaya". What is 'kaya'? Asked him repeatedly if it is from hi-5 or some books and finally he said "Ice Age, mummy".

Watched it with him today and I finally realised it is a line from Sid, the sloth. He loves that line so much, but I don't know why he finds it amusing. 

It was also the case in the past with Nemo which he loves for over a year. Would ask for it whenever he is upset and calms down promptly when we allow him to watch. He loves the lines from the French speaking shrimp Jacques who says "ooh la mer", "oui", "bon" which always draw laughter from Marcus. 

He also picks up some gesture from Ice Age which is extremely endearing, like he would cuddle papa or me, depending who is watching with me, after the scene where the baby found his dad and baby touched daddy's face and mouth gently. Marcus would do the same with us and he ends with his "nose rubbing" with ours. My sweet lil pumpkin. :)


Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Marcus' First Day of School

Day 1 of School

Officially the first day of school for M, also known as the familiarisation day which last 1 hr, instead of normal 3 hrs. 

It is great that E took the whole week off sensing the significance of this week to all of us. It is all so exciting to us all as parents, though the little boy doesn't really care. We tried to excite him a lot last night (well, we tried, but he doesn't seem very excited) and we ALL woke up at 630am (mostly because N woke us up) and woke M up at 720am. 

It rained, so got E to carry him to school. When we got to the main entrance at 9am, he refused to enter and cling to my legs. I picked him up just as we were welcomed by the principal whom he recognised. Then we were shown his classroom and the lead teacher came, but he still refused to enter the room. We stood outside to take some pictuers of him with his schoolbag and he even did a cute smile for the camera.

It was really impressive to see so many kids happily working on different materials concurrently in the room with only 2 teachers around. Many look older than M and they all seem so calm, happy and concentrating on their work. A little boy, Bryan came and stood at the door and watched M, with a little concerned look and the principal asked him if he was going to show M around. He nodded and I felt some comfort to see such care and concern among his peers and NO ROWDY kids. 

M still refused to enter, but I was advised by the principal to pass him to the teacher. I thought it would be better to trust the teachers too, though I was a little concerned when M started crying and hugged me tighter. I passed him over while assuring him that he will be fine with the teachers/friends and we are going to be outside waiting for him. We were told to sit near the office to wait for another 5 to 10min to give him time to calm down. 

It was quite heart wrenching as we could still hear him cry though we were 6 to 8 metres away. The teacher went back in and he promptly calmed down a few min later. Went to peep and could see stop crying, wiped his tears off his face himself while she talked to him. I could see him answered some questions that she asked, though I couldn't hear what. He just nodded repeatedly. Then he sat on her lap and looked at some materials that she was showing him. I was so relieved, happy and at the same time want to run in and give my baby a big cuddle. 

I felt some strong emotions rushing through me while standing at the one-way mirror admiring him. He started pasting tiny pieces of triangles on some drawings pre-drawn by teachers and seemed to have settled quite a bit. We were told to go wait outside the school now so they could take him out to toilet and they will bring him out at 10am. At 10am sharp, a teacher brought him to the main door of the school and he looked so small, carrying his little Thomas Tank Engine schoolbag in one hand. The moment he saw me, he looked around and didn't see E. Instantly, his lower lip curled down a little, asked me in a small voice "where is papa?" and looked a little sad. 

Aww.. I quickly picked him up, gave him a tight squeeze and explained papa is waiting at home for him. I realised he didn't bring out any of the work he did in school when all the other kids who started school today brought out something, so asked him if he wants to ask teacher for them or wait till tomorrow. He said "wait till tomorrow, we go home now". 

Wanted me to carry him all the way home, so he held onto to my lightweight brolly while I carried him, the whole time, he tried real hard to keep it straight. On way back, I asked him lots of questions about what he did in school, if he did this or that, if he made any friends, know any of their names etc. etc.. he either answered yes or ignored me. 

Once home, E welcomed him at the door, he promptly ran in to give papa a hug. Asked him what he did in school, but he just kept quiet and looked out of window while on papa's lap. He just kept asking to watch Ice Age. 

I think he was a little upset about the whole experience, but not traumatised. I like to think that it is quite normal behaviour and hope that he will adjust fairly quickly. Later today when he was out with me, he sudddenly said "mummy I like teacher Nazia". When I asked him why, he won't reply. But still it has to be a good sign.


Day2
M woke at 7am today but was really grumpy. Didn't want to change out of pajamas, wash face or brush teeth. Had to bribe with bus ride to school, though it was only a bus stop away. 

Got to school, refused to enter. Wanted to be carried, so I carried him while coaxing him to go into class with teacher Nazia. He kept saying 'no, don't want to go inside' when suddenly an Indian woman snatched him from my arms and passed him to teacher and shooed me out of the school, told me to wait outside and will invite me back 5 min later to check on him, that teacher will handle him. I was both shocked and so annoyed at the manner my crying son was snatched from my arms and not gently, but forcefully. 

Poor M was probably shocked for being forcefully taken away from his mummy, something which has never happened before. Later I found out that is the principal and owner of school. Even more shocking to realise that this is how she deals with children who are upset. 

Irene was not there, so there was no chance to speak to her about it, though twice in the remaining hour, this Indian woman did ask me if I want to see him again and I went peeping for a while. He had calmed down, and was picking up black beans and putting them into a small bowl and another time I saw him looking at something which teacher was showing him and teacher wiping his nose with a tissue paper.

At end of one hr (instead of 3hr today, probably 'cos he was crying when first entered class, so they decided 1hr is enough today), he came out holding his little schoolbag. When he saw me, he had such a bright smile and said hello to me. One won't be able to tell that he was upset about school, if not for the wet eyelashes. He even said he enjoyed school and like teacher Nazia, then promptly added that 'it makes teacher Nazia happy'. Asked him if it makes Marcus happy and he said yes. He must have learnt that from what I said to him recently that when he says he loves mummy or likes baby bro', it makes us happy. Gosh! I hope that is the right thing to teach him, I wonder if it will make decide to like someone, just to make them happy, instead of really liking them.

Monsters and Nightmares

Monsters
Marcus went out with daddy to buy dinner last night and had to pass by some unlit pavements which is narrow and surrounded by big trees on both sides. Out of the blue, he told papa he is scared of monsters. And later on, he also mentioned something of being scared of crocodiles. 

I don't know why he suddenly fears them since not too long ago, he was still quite fond of crocodiles. Pretended to be one and crawled around at home a lot announcing "I'm a crocodile".

He had been waking up more frequently the past 2 weeks in middle of night, crying though I am not sure if he does that because of his new found potty-training skills or nightmares or separation anxiety, specifically from papa. 

But whenever he wakes at night, he would be really upset, standing in cot, crying loudly with eyes closed. If I were to go in to comfort him, he would always say "I don't want mummy, go away, I want papa". It hurts like hell everytime he says that, and he says that in daytime too, especially if he knows papa is at home. He has been showing preference for papa consistently since the time Nicholas arrived. 

I wonder if it is because he felt hurt or angry that mummy has brought a baby along, I wonder if he sorts of "gave up" on me, so focused on papa, hence his neediness with E for the past 6 mths. 

I remember he was upset when he came to hospital on day 2 of Nicholas' birth and saw me breastfeeding, pulled my arm and said "no". I told him I am feeding baby bro, and he stopped. Didn't say anything. For next few days he only saw more of papa since I was still in hospital and papa tucked him to bed nightly for the next few weeks while I was in confinement. 

He still shows jealousy when papa carried Nicholas but was fine when I do same, except in daytime when papa is not around and Marcus is tired/grumpy, then he would tell me "not to carry N, put him in bed/bouncer/playpen" etc.. and carry him. If papa carries N, he would tell papa "give N to mama, and carry me". He has worked out an order of papa over mama who is over grandma/ah ma and finally the maid. 

In the beginning, papa suggested I take him out more often for 1-1 time as it could be due to the fact that he has been having more fun with daddy since my final weeks of pregnancy. Have been trying so hard, taking him out daily and some days he seemed to have so much fun with me, but he still prefers daddy the moment daddy got home. Very hurtful I admit. But I could only hope for that this awful phase will pass real soon.



Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Siblings

Siblings
Things have been getting better between the boys the recent weeks but we still have to keep close watch on the boys whenever they are close by, in case M decides to hit N suddenly. 

I have been explaining repeatedly and patiently, as best as I could, to him that baby brother is very small, we must love and protect him, we cannot hurt him, that we cannot hit or kick or press any part of his body etc etc.. as it will cause him pain and he will be hurt and upset and very sad etc.. etc.. 

Sometimes I notice M does it because he gets too excited and couldn't control himself, sometimes maybe to get our attention, or perhaps he just forgot what I said and did it because he wanted to, but i don't believe for once, that he meant to hurt N. 

This morning N was on fours on my bed, next to E who was playing guitar, when M came up too and wanted to be near to them. Before E could stop him, M knocked his head on N's forehead. Poor baby cried so hard and loud once and then he went soundless though still crying. Had big fat tears, with mouth wide open from crying, but no sound. Took him over from E immediately and cuddled him tight, the whole time he just clung on to me and cried for another 20 min. My heart broke just then and I cried with him. 

This is the first time N had a bump anywhere, and I got real upset as he is so tiny and really shouldn't even have a scratch, let alone a big bump (at that time it did look real huge, though few hours later it looked much smaller and by bedtime almost nonexistent). I didn't blame M but just felt sorry for my powerless baby who depended so much on us adults to protect him from any possible knocks and pains. I have never cried before when my child cried, but then again M had never have any major knocks or falls and when he got his first grace a few months ago, my heartached too. But today, my tears just flowed nonstop when N won't stop crying in my arms.


School
Tried to get M all excited about going to school. Got out his new Thomas Tank Engine schoolbag and explained to him the whole "going school" thingy. He remarked proudly to us "I've got my OWN schoolbag". My lil boy is going to school tomorrow. Happy that he has grown so much, but also a little sad that he has grown so fast.



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