Marcus was upset at bedtime last night and wanted papa. I went to comfort him and got his 'I don't want mama, mama go away, i want papa' lines again. Told him I love him and he finally said 'no, mummy doesn't love me. mummy loves chic-chic' referring to Nicholas and added 'papa loves me'. My heart sank. Told him yes, papa loves him, but I love him too, to which he replied again that I don't. Asked him if papa loves chic chic and he said 'no, papa loves marcus'.
Finally the confirmation of why he has been rejecting me. It hurts so much to hear him say that, especially when it means that he must have suffered somewhat too from feeling this way, despite all my efforts to reassure him and how i take pains to ensure minimal sibling rivalry and watch everything i do and say to him, hoping to make him feel that my love for him has not changed since N's arrival. This is the first time he has expressed his feelings about this matter so explicitly. I don't really know what else to do, except continuing what I have been doing so far and try to find even more time to spend solo time with him, without sacrificing time with N.