Parenting Thoughts: To Whack or Not?

A while back, my hubby forwarded this article to me on the positive effects of spanking.

I always try to be open-minded on parenting issues, so I clicked it and read it all. Interesting..... BUT...

because of my own upbringing, I have very strong stance on this sensitive issue.

While my own views of the long-term consequences and negative effects are NOT as extreme as those claimed in some research, I don't share the belief of 'spare the rod and spoil the child'.

A few years ago, a bachelor friend W, whom I know since our teenage days, shared his firm views that a child should be whacked, spanked and smacked if he isn't obedient. He thinks there is nothing wrong with caning a child to gain his attention and teach him lessons 'for his own good'.

We ended up with a friendly but heated debate, something which we often do. (He is such a great opponent, being professionally trained as a legal counsel and being as opinionated as I am, it is always very intellectually stimulating to talk to him.)

I left that meeting thinking that he will change his mind when he becomes a parent himself.

I don't think parents should be locked up or punished for disciplining their own kids; such extreme measures as lobbied by certain fractions of people in some countries would send a very wrong message to the children.

However, it is realistic to say that many people have anger management issues and it is often too easy to take it out on very young and helpless kids once we let 'all hell break loose' with a cane or disciplining tool.

Once we start caning, where do you draw the line? What misbehavior warrant physical pain as punishment and what don't? Do we start making a list for parents and kids to memorize? Are there some misdeeds that require two or more 'strikes' or would just one hit suffice regardless of the severity of the actions?

The problem is once we let ourselves start caning (or slapping or pinching etc), it is so easy to get carried away by our own anger with the child. As a result, there is always a good chance that we may end up delivering tougher sentences on our child that we may regret later.

There is enough hype over the possible psychological and emotional scars suffered by kids who received frequent physical punishment. So I don't intend to add on it.

I am more perplexed by the immediate lesson that we teach our kids when we hit them. 

Are we telling them with our actions that violence is permitted because we are adults (and supposed to know right from wrong), or that we can hit because we are upset with that person? Or is our action telling them that it is okay to hit the person if that person has done something wrong? 

These are definitely NOT the lessons that I want to teach my boys. 

The reason this issue even came up was because there was a tough period last year when it was exasperating to cope with my 5 y.o.'s  tantrums on a daily basis. My dear hubby, like all good husbands would do, tried to recommend solutions. While he didn't rush out to buy a cane, he tried to convince me that a harsher physical punishment (i.e. a slap on the thigh) may just be what the boy needed to behave better. 

I listened to his arguments but they didn't win me over. However, I couldn't convince him that reasoning and/or scolding is the way to go either. 

For a week or so, we reacted differently whenever M drove us up the wall. My tempers flew but I couldn't bring myself to smack him. E, on the other hand, practised what he preached and delivered his version of discipline with slaps on the thighs.  I cringed every time watching him and had to intervene on a few occasions. 

It didn't take long before I noticed something else brewing in the daytime. My 3 y.o. started complaining on a daily basis that his older brother hit him on the limbs whenever they had conflicts. 

I was angry at first to find my usually mild-mannered boy resorting to violence to express himself. I gave him a good scolding every time it happened, followed by a calmer talk when I cooled down. 

It took me a few days to realize the correlation. 

I sat the daddy down to re-address the situation. My persuasion worked this time and we agreed that we just have to keep at our efforts of using words, no matter how tiring it is and futile it may seemed at first. 

To say that it was a exhausting period was a gross understatement. For both of us really. And I am sure it wasn't an easy time for Marcus too. Or for Chipsy who bore the brunt of his older brother's frustration. 

However, the efforts paid off. Two weeks later, M stopped expressing his anger and frustration at play time with a slap on Chipsy's limbs. He went back to using words. I also suggested many acceptable outlets for him to vent to help him manage his feelings better. 

Surprisingly, he didn't really need them. In the end, he was soothed most by my empathy and a more patient listening ear. The tantrums became less frequent and a lot milder. 

It was a valuable parenting lesson for us both.