Kids and Freedom

A few months ago, one of M's favourite lines was 'work, work, work, that is all that I'm good for around here'. 

This is also one of those infamous lines from Calvin (of Calvin & Hobbes). While I'm on this, I must say I am often tempted to blame this comic series for its bad influence, despite the pleasures it brings to my boy. 

M usually accompanied this grouse with some feet dragging and a grouchy expression. At first, to be honest, I did think it was a wee bit comical that he was mimicking Calvin's behaviour. But when I started seeing it as often as a daily basis, it got on my nerves. 

Don't get me wrong though - he was not even complaining because he was asked to do any housework or homework. 

It could be something as routine as brushing teeth before bedtime, or placing the stack of books he had read back to the bookshelf. To say this behaviour of his was super annoying is understating the full extent of its effect on me. 

To him, most activities that tear him away from his hobbies are just a giant inconvenience and disruption to his play time, which he has also begun to label as 'freedom'. 

One day, he asked me when will he be free to go out on his own, to decide what to eat and when to eat, and can do whatever he wants anytime he wants for as long as he wants etc... etc... 

I remember asking those questions too. But not before I was 12. And I remember my uncle gave me a few pep talks about 'freedom and its consequences' when I was 14-year-old. I was at my angry and rebellious phase then. But my boy is not even 7 yet! 

So we had our pep talks. Boundaries were reiterated. Explanations were given. Still, every few days, my patience would be tested to the extreme. That was swiftly followed by raised voices and removal of privileges. And tears.

Basically, I refused to give in or be swayed by his grouses. Especially when he started talking back and questioning everything I asked him to do, throughout the day. I certainly didn't feel the need to still explain why he has to brush teeth at night or why he won't get any bedtime story if he dilly-dallied past 9 pm. 

So in the end, there were a lot of 'you just have to and I don't want to talk about it anymore' and 'just do it!'. 

For years, I have always adopted the authoritative parenting style, or tried to anyway. But in that period, I kept wondering if I have slipped and become an authoritarian parent instead! There is a fine difference between the two and I've always avoided being the latter. 

Because of that, I take the time and efforts to always explain the rationale behind any decisions or instructions I gave, especially when the kids asked. I don't want them to feel that they just have to obey. But in that period, it soon became clear that he was questioning me because it was the only way he knew to delay doing something. 

After some reflection, I decided to be even more insistent that he did what needed to be done and did it straightaway. Or I will just take away his privileges. I always tell the kids that in our household, there are few rights, but plenty of privileges which can be earned with good behaviour. Similarly, I would not hesitate taking them away.

A few days ago, it dawned on me that it has been a while since I last heard the 'work, work, work .... ' line from M. He still drags his feet, slouches and appears grumpy several times a day, but I think we have reached a better place now. I may have found the way to manage him with a combination of hard and soft approaches..

I won't go so far to say that we have passed the phase, which I don't think is really possible. Going forward, I am bracing myself for bigger and tougher fights as the kids grow even more assertive and demanding and perhaps less cooperative. 

That period did give me a glimpse of the challenging adolescence stage which doesn't seem that far away from the present. At least for now, my boy is still too young to slam the door and initiate a cold war with me. And I shall continue to remind myself to embrace him and all that he offers, for he is after all, just a 6-year-old.