Hesitant

The months before I turned 35, I considered throwing a party. 35 is a milestone. Life was good and I wanted to celebrate.

Instead of the usual quiet and cozy family affair, I wanted a noisy and crazy party, complete with booze and beautiful dresses and gorgeous food.

The idea of making THE DAY a memorable one for me was just so fascinating. How nice would it be to remember 'ah... on my 35th birthday, it was very different.... I had an awesome party....' .

But it did not happen. Having the vision was the easy part. The challenge was in the execution. The key problem, I think, is my lack of motivation to spend the time/effort planning the party for myself.

There were so many other priorities that required my attention and energy.

I was a wee bit disappointed but life carried on and the grand idea was shelved indefinitely.

This year, I thought I wanted to do something different. Again, it is about creating memories and accumulating exciting experiences. One of my ideas is to go on a vacation without kids. Maybe on my own to places that I have never visited before. Or maybe with just one or two good friends. I just feel a strong yearning to feel and experience something new and to connect and rediscover myself.

But the more I think about it, the more I realized I couldn't do so. Or maybe I just wasn't ready to go all the way to satisfy my desires.

Now, just days away from being another year older (and hopefully wiser), I just know I am a little annoyed with myself.

Sigh.

Where had all my spontaneity gone?

But the wiser and more down-to-earth side of me also knows that, with an infant and as a mum-of-three, the chances of materializing my ideas are low. At least for now.

Spontaneity will have to take a backseat.