One of the first questions people would ask when they realize I am expecting #3 is: how would I cope?
Would I get a live-in maid or local nanny? How about engaging part-time cleaner or use tingkat catering? Can I count on regular help from family, say, my parents or in-laws?
Even my own mother and siblings asked me the same thing when I first broke the news of the pregnancy to them. Every uncle and auntie in the family was curious about the same.
Even my own mother and siblings asked me the same thing when I first broke the news of the pregnancy to them. Every uncle and auntie in the family was curious about the same.
Almost every relative recommends I get a live-in maid. How can you cope with all 3 kids and do the housework yourself? Why be so hard on yourself?
When they sensed my reluctance, everyone recommended I consider some part-time cleaning help instead. Even a few hours, twice or thrice a week must be helpful.
The truth is, this 'HELP' issue has been on my mind in the last few months. The two questions that I have been asking myself non-stop: 'Can I do it all by myself?' and 'Should I be kinder to myself instead of trying to do it all on my own?'.
Though I know I can do it by myself (if there is a will, there is a way, right?), I also wonder if I should. After all, there are only 24 hrs a day. I'm well aware that by trying to juggle so many balls, I am bound to drop some.
So where are we now on this issue?
Let's start with my confinement. I was hoping to count on my mum to help during the confinement month instead of hiring a confinement nanny, though some friends recommended the latter. I am not comfortable having a stranger in the house just for a month, especially during the month when I feel I am at my most vulnerable. It's just not fun having to recover from a C-sect and be total breast-feeding at the same time.
Since I am not picky about confinement food and practices and I handle the baby myself at night because of total breastfeeding, any help in that month is really about helping to pick up the baby, bathing her and taking care of the needs of the 2 boys. If I have the choice, I still prefer my mum to do these than to have a stranger in our home.
So what about housework? The thing is, a few months ago, I was entertaining the idea of getting live-in help again because I know that is what my hubby really wanted. I was trying to convince myself that even if it is to tide us over for 6 months, it will be some help until I can manage more comfortably. Surely, I am resilient enough to put up with any nonsense from the maid for a few months, if I have to.
So if I do get a maid, the housework should be taken care of. After my mum leaves, I will cope with the maid for as long as she offers more help than trouble.
But the more I thought of the bad experiences I had with my previous maids, the more reluctant I am to take the chance again. I don't think E or his parents ever appreciated how challenging and stressful it was to handle the maid issues in the past. Only those who have to face the maid all day long will fully understand. In the periods when I had to put up with all the shoddy work, crappy attitudes, lies and stress, I often felt I was left alone to 'fight the battles'. E could just ignore the problems in the evening and go to work the next day. Even in the brief period when his parents were staying with us as guests, their actions (giving her presents and money behind my back, befriending and consoling her after she was told off for attitude issues/mistakes etc) showed their inability to empathize with my situation.
So I decided if we could count on my mum-in-law to come for 5 weeks after my mum leaves, then perhaps I don’t need to put up with live-in help at all. By the time my MIL leaves, it will be the school holidays. While it may be a bit chaotic in the day to handle 3 kids myself, I believe I should be able to do it with some planning.
Come January, the boys will return to school and baby will be 4 months old. I should be able to work out a schedule of handling the kids, housework, cooking and coaching the boys myself. And it will only get easier as baby grows. By 2013, Chip will be going to Primary school with M, and it will be just me and baby for half a day.
YES, I CAN DO IT!!!!
By the time I reached this point of the thought process, I was pretty optimistic. Now we just have to count on the two grandmas to nod.
My mum said yes to my suggestion a few weeks ago. Much to my relief.
But we just found out that this plan is not going to work now because we can't count on my mum-in-law to come.
SIGH. DARN!!!
So now, I am back to considering my options.
Sulkingly, that is.
Edited to add:
I've decided that I will not hire live-in help no matter what and just do what I can after confinement. But it is important to me that I don't lose sight of the priorities (i.e. of spending some quality time and continue coaching the boys). Should I feel that I am overly stretched and turning into a cranky mum, I shall adjust my expectations and reconsider the kind of help I need, so that I can still coach the kids. Most likely, it will be part-time cleaning services, which I currently don't use because of scheduling issues, instead of babysitting or child-minding services.
9 comments:
I'm sure that you be able to cope. Just that for the first few months you can get your PT to come in twice a week or even thrice instead of once. That is what I did when R3 was 1-2months old.
Like your post, thinking and being critical.
Agree with your points about helpers, though I do have one now. Agree with your words "fight battles" as long as you want to maintain some standard.
Things will work out. Good Luck! Thing will surely get better and better.
Hugss!! I totally hear you on this one. I only have 1 kid right now and the whole world is telling me that I need to have live-in help when No. 2 comes along. May things work out for you whichever option you choose i the end! It may help to think of it as a short-term option, at least till your 3rd child goes to play/pre-school which would give you a breather each day?
I have a friend with 2 boys and a daughter. She's a SAHM. When the girl came along, she engaged liv-in help. They gave her A LOT of headaches. She went through 5 or 6 of them and finally gave up. When the girl was still a baby, she took care of 3 by herself. The only help she needs is when the 2 boys (one K1 and 1 2yo) go to school. The younger one is in playgroup and so no school bus. She has to fetch him to and fro school. And the 2 boys' have different school timings. During that short time, her mil will (reluctantly keep an eye on her other kids). She cooks and cleans herself. She's no hardly around to chat but she is obviously much happier and I dare say the kids llok very much happier (and better behaved) too. To me, live-in help is never worth the trouble and bad influence on the whole family. I know of another 2 family with 3 young kids and a SAHM with no help. All the best!
Thanks everyone! I guess the good thing about having some experience with kids and mothering is I have learnt that no matter how things may suck in one day, it is a phase and it will all get better. :>
Actually I am not that concerned about how I will cope next year, since baby will be 4 mths then. I am quite sure I will work out a routine that suits us.
So the only thing that sucks at the moment is that in the ONLY period which I feel I need help the most, i.e. the first 2 to 3 months after birth, is the time when I won't get the help I have planned for.
Oh well. Now that we know she isn't coming, all the more it means I have to make it work by myself. Life will still go on, with or without her help.
(I suppose regulars here can hear my tone)
K, I can totally appreciate it when you said your friend is happier though busier, without live-in maid. At least her MIL still helps to watch for a few hrs albeit reluctantly. I know of some SAHMs who are blessed enough to have both sets of grandparents helping out on fixed days of the week.
Hi there, I dropped by your blog sometimes. I can totally relate to your woes about engaging domestic help. I'm one unlucky one to have changed 6 maids over a span of 2 years with maids slamming the door at me, etc. So, I threw in the towel few months back and am on my own now. Very tough and tiring but it's actually less stressful without a domestic maid. If you just need help for a short period of time, I think there are some day time maids you can engage but they are going to cost. It might be still worth it if it's for a few months. I hope things will work out for you. My advice, don't attempt to do everything by yourself, it will just turn you into a cranky Mom. All the best.
Thanks Renelik, it must be so tough to go through 6 maids in 2 years. I gave up after just 2 maids. The day I sent my 2nd off, I remember feeling absolutely liberated and vowed never to go through it again. Hah!
I'm mindful that there are limits to how much one can handle too, but thanks for the reminder anyway. (I've since edited my original post)
I will more likely consider PT cleaning help than to have a day time maid coming over to babysit.
Hi there, it was tough, just that we had twins and I wasn't ready to take over the housework when they were not sleeping through the night until 2 years old. I was still waking up at least 4 times a night until very recently. Most of the maids didn't stay long and just gave up as it's too stressful to just watch a pair of twins cry. I think PT cleaning helps a lot. I'm also considering to get a PT maid so I can get some rest time. :)
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