Thursday, June 7, 2007

Burn Out

Took both boys to the zoo this morning. Very tiring few hours but it is definitely worth the effort though we only saw 2 shows and a few animals on the way. Most importantly it was a trip for the boys, especially Marcus who seemed to enjoy the MRT and bus ride to the zoo, and later the tram ride around and finally the taxi ride home. 

The 2 shows we caught were quite fun really, seeing the animals splashing water at the audience made Marcus laugh and he clapped enthusiastically throughout the shows. I could see how Nicholas took everything in too and it is moments like these that I remind myself to see the 'big picture' and why I choose to be a stay-home mum.

I must admit that after all these months of hearing Marcus says 'I don't want mummy' and his more recent phrase of 'I don't need mummy, I only want papa' is really getting to me. 

He only says this when E is around and during daytime when he is not, Marcus will keep saying he wants mama and that he needs to cuddle mama and sometimes when I am attending to N, he will even look at me sadly and say 'what about Marcus? Marcus needs mama, how about Marcus and mama?' which makes me sad. 

I suspect he thinks that I give priority to N, so his way of defence is not to need me. These days M tends to cry more too, over very small matters. It probably is his way of getting attention since he must have figured out that N gets ours by crying. It can be extremely tiring dealing with both crying for what feels like a whole day. 

Now it seems like from the moment I rise till I retire, all I do is dealing with their crying, feeding, bath and whatever remaining time I have, I get annoyed by the stupid maid. Some days I do feel liike I have worked so hard the whole day trying to look after the boys' best interests and when E returns from work, and M immediately discards me. It sucks! Big Time! 

And I feel the burn out. One would probably think that we only get it from work, but this IS work too! And it is work without a full hour lunch break, no toilet breaks sometimes and surrounded by crying. Sometimes I feel like my job appraisals suck and I am not used to getting anything but lots of As for any exams and appraisals ALL MY LIFE and now my son tells me he doesn't need me, feels like he is giving me a FAIL grade! Damned. I know he does loves me still as he just volunteered that information yesterday twice, without any prompting and he rushed over to hug my hip suddenly. That was sweet. 

Actually the idea of returning to my high flying career is beginning to appeal to me more each day, but the prospect of leaving my boys with child care centres, maids or any other strangers is discouraging me from sending off my CVs. This better be a difficult phase only and will pass in a few long months. I am certainly hoping so.

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