Playing Lego with daddy or watching daddy play video games rank high up on their list. I'm no fan of Lego and have no interest in video or computer games of any kind. Just like how E would shun crafts and certain activities that I do with the kids. We seem to have defined, in some unspoken and amicable manner, our domains and specialized in them.
It also appears that I have almost taken over the full role of coaching the kids in their academic progress. At least when I reflected on how it has been in the last year or more. Hmm... because of this responsibility, it means a big chunk of my time with them will be seen as "working" unlike the fun time they spend with daddy when he is back from work.
Even though I only spend between 30 t0 90 min daily with each child on a variety of home-learning activities, but because I work with them separately in the day, after factoring in our reading time as well, I do feel like a big portion of my time at home is spent this way. When we're done, the boys go off to play or do their own stuff, while I proceed with other homemaker's duties. Before I know it, the dad is home and the day is almost over.
Being the stricter parent and the one with higher expectations when it comes to academic achievements, I know it makes sense that I should be the one assuming this responsibility. Not that I could ever adopt a laid-back attitude anyway.
It has occurred to me that it is possible, in years to come, that my boys may grow up developing a very close relationship with E but view me as simply their mother who loves them very much. They may love and respect me, but we may not have the same kind of bond and relationship as they would have with their dad. It is a somewhat pessimistic, but also realistic view, I think. Or are most boys like this anyway?
Of course, this should not be a competition and their relationships with both parents need not be mutually exclusive too. But it is a scenario which I think is worth considering, so I don't end up taking our relationships for granted.
Just like how my siblings and I have always been close to my mum, but not my dad. It was only in the recent years that I began wondering if our closer relationships to my mum had hurt his feelings. My dad was the disciplinarian at home who enforced house rules and meted out punishments. My mum was seen as the "softer" parent whom we ran to for comfort.
In our home, my boys used to seek comfort from E when they got scolded by me! They don't do this as much these days after E learnt to 'sing the same tune', though his 'tune' often sounds more like a 'chirp' to me. The boys will be quick to remark that mummy is the stricter parent.
I do realize the only way to ensure that my boys would continue to share a close relationship with me (and not just E) is to remain even more involved in their lives. I must not be seen as just their caregiver and provider of their daily needs. I must also share laughs with them and be remembered fondly despite my roles and responsibilities.
Being the stricter parent and the one with higher expectations when it comes to academic achievements, I know it makes sense that I should be the one assuming this responsibility. Not that I could ever adopt a laid-back attitude anyway.
It has occurred to me that it is possible, in years to come, that my boys may grow up developing a very close relationship with E but view me as simply their mother who loves them very much. They may love and respect me, but we may not have the same kind of bond and relationship as they would have with their dad. It is a somewhat pessimistic, but also realistic view, I think. Or are most boys like this anyway?
Of course, this should not be a competition and their relationships with both parents need not be mutually exclusive too. But it is a scenario which I think is worth considering, so I don't end up taking our relationships for granted.
Just like how my siblings and I have always been close to my mum, but not my dad. It was only in the recent years that I began wondering if our closer relationships to my mum had hurt his feelings. My dad was the disciplinarian at home who enforced house rules and meted out punishments. My mum was seen as the "softer" parent whom we ran to for comfort.
In our home, my boys used to seek comfort from E when they got scolded by me! They don't do this as much these days after E learnt to 'sing the same tune', though his 'tune' often sounds more like a 'chirp' to me. The boys will be quick to remark that mummy is the stricter parent.
I do realize the only way to ensure that my boys would continue to share a close relationship with me (and not just E) is to remain even more involved in their lives. I must not be seen as just their caregiver and provider of their daily needs. I must also share laughs with them and be remembered fondly despite my roles and responsibilities.
I have to remind myself to try harder in this respect and achieve a good equilibrium.
4 comments:
Hi Shirley: I agree with many of your thoughts here, and I think such "fun" relationships with daddies are not just confined to boys! Like you, I harbour more expectations and have a stronger disciplinary role at home. I conducted all coaching academically until this year, when I requested Hubby to coach Nicole in Science, so that I can afford to have some "fun" time with her too. Otherwise, it will always be the daddy with jokes and leisurely games, whereas mummy is equivalent to a whole load of hard work and controlled timetables like strict bedtimes! I was awakened from this disciplinarian state when the kids jokingly said Papa was funny and Mummy's serious. Hmmm :( So, like you, I saw how important to spend a lot of silly and fun moments so they remember me as a funny Mum too! Am sure we will reach there!
Hi Linette, thanks for sharing your experience. With heavier academic workload, some splitting of coaching between parents is so necessary indeed.
My boys equate daddy with games, tickles, treats and fun because that is essentially what they do on weekdays evenings when he's back from work and weekends when I'm out teaching. Can't blame the kids since we adults are the ones who organize the routine. But my effort to encourage hubby to take over some coaching hasn't been that fruitful so far. He would say yes, e.g. to coach them on Maths, but always ended up only tackling the easy topics which the boys already know. So I'm still left with the challenging stuff which is most time consuming or takes most effort. Duh. But I'm determined to improve the situation without sacrificing the end results.
Daddy is the fun one..who plays Xbox, Wi-fi etc with them..however I'm psychoing him to take up more "academic" challenges with the boys too so that it's more balanced and not just me doing the "boring studies" with them.. Daddy's does Chinese and maths with them when he's around while we do the fun baking and playground trips.
Hi Rach, whatever help that the dads render will make a difference, however infrequent. I shall continue to nudge mine. :>
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