Six years ago, we were so close. He was so needy and dependent on me.
Now, I feel a widening gap between us.
I may be able to make him laugh heartily, but I am also less hesitant to take actions that may make him cry. I may have 'hardened' considerably over the years as I learn to deal with the many parenting challenges, but my heart aches often.
I know I am being firm for his own good and that I know better than he does, yet I still feel awful and guilty more often than I like.
When I look a little harder, I can still catch a glimpse of that little needy boy and his innocence. But when the days are long, I often forget to look.
He still holds my hand willingly when we are out and about and gives me cuddles whenever I ask for them. No, cuddles and hugs are no longer volunteered. Gone are the days when both my cheeks were happily kissed and I can't remember the last time he called me 'mama'. These days, it is usually 'mummy'.
In a few months, my first-born will be 9-year-old. Where did all the time go?
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2 comments:
Hi Shirley, I completely understand how you feel! Now that Nicole is a tween, it takes double the effort to make her cuddle or hug you. And I can understand that guilt, that firm exterior with an aching heart, as well as that yearning for days of yore when they were childish and needy. Now, they need their privacy and independence! I try to be firm in some instances (like studies) but in other instances, I try hard to be her friend and get her friends to like me and think I am a cool mum (haha). You can see that sparkle in her eyes when her friends approve of me. What can we do - peer pressure is paramount at this age! On the other hand, there are wonderful things to look forward to - that independence, that mature discussion of issues, that amazing understanding of our "adult" feelings...we are entering into a different phase for sure! (Sorry for the long post!)
Ahh... thanks for sharing your experience! No need to apologize when you are sharing your gems of wisdom! I do appreciate. Do keep them coming! It is a whole new ball game for parents, isn't it? It's such a bittersweet phase for me, but very soon, I can imagine how it will get harder. I must really learn quick to let go. Ah.. so hard!
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