Perhaps there was already an accumulation of stress built up over the months, which was why I was particularly sensitive to further antagonization. So with the untimely arrival of several pieces of news and incidents in the week, the last became the straw that broke the camel's back.
I was overwhelmed by it all. Frustrated, helpless and just felt trapped. The ugliness of the situation hit me so hard that morning that I felt limp. All I wanted to do was to give it all up and to just run away. I hate it. I hate every moment of it. I had enough. I wanted to scream. Instead, I cried. At first, I just sobbed. The tears brought out the real crying. A few minutes later, I stopped. I stopped because the baby, whom E brought to my side, in an attempt to soothe me, started sobbing too. She placed her head on my chest and hugged my body so warmly. But she looked up at my face, I could see from her eyes that she looked so sad. It utterly broke my heart.
The motherly side of me took over. I set aside what I felt and regained composure. The tears dried and numbly, I stood up to resume the day. I shifted my focus to my busy hands and ignored my thoughts.
Over the next few hours, a lot was done. The day looked brighter and I felt lighter. But I know one of my worst nightmares is far from over. It is only coming and just the thought of it makes me want to cry, all over again. But what to do? I can only brace myself, for I can't escape from it. I must learn to look at it from another perspective. And quickly, before my own thoughts drive me out of sanity.
By the end of the day, as I was reflecting on my troubles and wondering why I would be so bothered and affected by this handful of people, I also realized that I can be so resilient. I just have to continue to channel my energy towards the positive thoughts and find ways to overcome the rest.
As I confided in M the next day, my very wise 8-year-old surprised me with his optimism. He suggested this one thing that I could look forward to in the largely negative situation; something which I had totally overlooked when I focused entirely on the dire circumstances. His words brought me some much-needed comfort. When the time comes, I must remember to remain optimistic and be on a constant lookout for silver linings.