When There Is No Turning Back

I have learnt, a long time ago, not to regret decisions that I have made. 

Regret is a useless feeling. It doesn't improve or add value to any situation, nor does it make me feel any better.  

So as I mature, I regret (a lot) less. No matter how bad a decision turned out to be later, I would try to see it from a positive perspective and take it as a learning experience. It helps me to be productive. To keep moving forward in life and make progress. 

There is no point crying over spilt milk. The belief has worked wonders so far, until I made this terrible decision a while back.

It was the toughest one I ever have to make. Back then, the pros and cons were weighed as best as I could and all factors considered over and over. Everything was as clear as crystal in my mind. But only in my mind. My guts told me otherwise. My heart didn't seem to agree either. I remember feeling something else, something that I couldn't pinpoint. Like an omen. A sign. But I was not sure what the sign was. All I could feel was confusion and panic. I just couldn't figure it out. 

I remember looking out of my window every morning, wondering what to do. 

The very few people I talked to were empathic, but at the end of the day, it was a decision that I had to make on my own. The consequences were mine, and mine alone. 

Finally, I decided. With a very heavy heart.

At first, I thought I could convince myself, if the feeling of regret ever surfaced, that I made the right and most rational decision given the circumstances then. 

But over time, I realized how horribly wrong and naive that was. It just doesn't work this time.

 

Justifying my decision helped a little, for a while. But when I am alone and totally truthful to myself, I wish I had decided differently. 

Unfortunately, there is no turning back. Ever. And this is what totally breaks my heart. 

There is absolutely NOTHING that I can do about it. I knew it back then, so why am I killing myself over it now?

What's done may be done, and to some who are capable of moving on (like how I always was able to do), they probably put a lid on the memory and never ever mentioned it again. But I just can't do it. Maybe not yet. The triggers are everywhere and the tears often come at the most inconvenient moments.

I don't know if there will come a day when I will not be affected by it anymore. To be able to let it go entirely and be at peace with myself.  

But sometimes I think I don't really want to be at peace. Maybe I want to always remember that I had made a wrong choice. Perhaps that is the least that I could do to right the wrong.