Trio at Botanic Garden

Nowadays, the kids do not go to the park together as often as before.

Usually the boys are tired after the long days at school and there is always homework on a daily basis. By the time they are home, showered and rested, they have at most 1.5 hours before dinner to complete their homework.

Weekends are not our preferred time to head to parks either. The dad is not a fan of parks and the boys, at this age, have other ideas of how they like to spend their precious weekend time. So we swim or cycle a lot more.

It is now rare, very rare, to have a photo of the three of them in nature.

This was taken in Dec 2015.

As a Parent

A friend sent these wise words to me recently. The source is unknown.

Only a parent can truly appreciate these words.

I gave you life….
but I cannot live it for you.

I can give you directions …
but I cannot be there to lead you.

I can teach you right from wrong …
but I cannot always decide for you.

I can offer you advice ….
but I cannot accept it for you.

I can teach you to share ….
but I cannot make you unselfish.

I can teach you respect …..
but I cannot force you to show honour.

I can advise you about friends…..
but I cannot choose them for you.

I can tell you about alcohol and drugs…
But I cannot say “No” for you.

I can inspire you to have lofty goals…..
but I cannot achieve them for you.

I can teach you about kindness….
but I cannot force you to be gracious.

I can pray for you …..
but I cannot make you walk with God.

I can tell you how I live…
but I cannot ask that you live the way I do.

I can only Love you ……
with Unconditional Love all my Life…..and I promise I will.

When Conversations Get Painful

Sometimes, I find it disturbing that many people here (and I mean kids and adults alike) are just not curious enough compared to Westerners whom I have across.

The difference is so striking at times and is evident in social settings as well as at workplaces and schools.

It is often challenging to keep a conversation going with them. Besides brief replies and a few basic patronising questions, they seem to run out of topic or ideas. Perhaps it also has to do with their general lack of interest in matters that do not concern them. I would also attribute such behaviour partly to our Asian culture and upbringing.

If I keep it up by asking tons of questions, and I can think of tons of questions to ask, whether I am facing a stranger, acquaintance or old friend, getting their brief responses after a while makes me feel as if I have intruded into their privacy and space.

Upon reflection, I realised I was also like this in my younger days. However, over the years, I have been inspired to be more sociable, especially after living in London for a few years. This is not to say that all Londoners are sociable either. I have learnt to respond differently in social situations and I am still honing my skills.

Despite seeing my social skills at work on a daily basis, my boys have yet to pick up much to set them apart from the rest. Leave either of them in a confined space with a few other kids or adults and we will quickly notice them ending up chatting to only one or two others, if not, they would spend most of their time just staring at their shoes.

Chip warms up to strangers a lot faster and he seems more willing to initiate a conversation with other kids, whereas it will take a lot more to bring M out of his comfort zone.

The boys' personalities definitely have a lot to do with their reactions in social situations. While I have no intention to change the more introverted child into an extrovert, I do feel strongly that social and interpersonal skills can be taught and coached, even for a young child.

Like memory, critical thinking and creativity, I believed these skills are underrated, poorly understood and definitely not emphasized enough in the mainstream education system. Just because the kids are part of big classes and a big school of 1800 children does not mean they will automatically acquire a reasonable level of social and interpersonal skills. I also don't believe that it is a given that everyone will acquire 'proficient' level of social and interpersonal skills by the time they are adults. If this is true, then our society will not be filled with adults who have difficulties striking and/or maintaining conversations.

Obviously, I don't have the magic formula and I am still researching and testing ways to hone the kids' skills. I will be thrilled if any of the readers would share with me (either via comments to this blog or contact me directly) your ways that you practise with your kids and your experiences in this area.

The Mundane Hours

I have a realisation recently.

Whenever someone asked me to describe my parenting experience, more often than not, I would make the comment 'the days are long, but the years are short'.

Older folks would either nod vigorously or give approving and understanding looks. Younger, less experienced parents would smile curiously in response, as if they have chanced upon some nuggets of wisdom.

I really like this post from the Huffpost Parents.

"You forgot.

You forgot what it’s like to not finish a sentence. 
To not finish a thought. To live your life in fragmented snippets of 
trying-to-communicate-with-other-adults, but never quite completing
any message in any meaningful way."

This made me smile.

But the rest of the post included so many wise reminders that brought tears to my eyes.

In my 12 year long journey of being a stay-home-mum, I have lost count of the number of times when I lamented or sighed at how mundane my life has become and how lonely this motherhood journey can be.

However, in those moments, I was often blessed enough to chance upon such gems which not only offered the much-needed comfort and perspectives, it also served as a timely reminder that gave me strength to march on.

The PSLE Year

In a few months, M will be sitting for the Primary School Leaving Examination (or PSLE for short).

It seems surreal that his entire Primary school education journey is nearly coming to an end. Just a short few months and we would have reached the end of this journey.

This year, I thought of his first day of school very often. Though I cannot remember all the details of that day, but I can recall vividly how emotional I felt watching him get dressed in the school uniform (I know, he was only going to school and not even getting married!!!) and how proud I was as I watched him walk away from us towards the room that the Primary One kids were supposed to gather.

And now, here we are, just three months away from the PSLE, the high stakes exam.

After months of ridiculous amount of daily homework and ridiculously long days that end after 4pm, four times a week, I am just glad that the mid year exams were over and we can take a small breather before we get mentally prepared for the final leg.

Since this is our first PSLE experience, naturally there is a certain level of anxiety in the family, especially since the local education system and policies have evolved to such an extent over the last few decades, that the PSLE is now an extremely high stakes exam for our 12-year-old children. So much, TOO much, is at stake!!

The 6-year Integrated Programme (IP) and the Direct Admission Exercise (DSA) totally change the game. While the Ministry of Education (M.O.E.) has good intentions for introducing the IP and DSA, it really complicates the Secondary School selection process. I will write more about this in a later post.

Though the introductions of the IP and DSA only affect a selected group of the national cohort more directly, the process of enabling some 12-year-old to 'chope' places all the up to Year 2 of Junior College creates an indrect effect of limiting places at the top Junior Colleges for 'O' Levels holders, thus heightening the already stiff competition at age 16.

No wonder parents feel the need that their kids must ace their PSLE, in order to secure places for the next six years! If they don't invest the $ and energy at PSLE, it may be even tougher for the kids to have any chance.

So the stress and pressure is here to stay, whether or not the M.O.E. reveal the top scorers. Even with the recent announcement of the removal of the PSLE aggregate in 2020, I am unconvinced it will be sufficient to eliminate an ounce of stress for both the parents and students. Oh well, we shall worry about that when the time comes.

For now, I am keeping my eyes on the ball.

Random Morning: Dolly & Her 'Heavy' Load

One of my favourite photos of my beautiful Dolly. Taken in 2015.

In Chip's bed and giggling because she was covered by all the cuddly soft toys and 'Fluffa' (the new blanket).

Chip is 9 (Part 2): His Taekwondo Journey

This is continuation of an earlier post....

Besides his weekly Taekwondo class, Chip does not attend any other enrichment programmes outside his school hours. It is a deliberate attempt on my part to be very selective.

Chip started Taekwondo back in 2011, shortly after M began his class. While I did not like the kids to quit anything easily, over the years, we had permitted them to give up activities that they tried but did not fancy enough to pursue. I certainly did not think that Taekwondo would be one that they had persevered with.

At first, I was really not that impressed with Taekwondo. I just could not be thrilled with all the patterns that they were practising. But by the time they were Red Belts and started sparring, the lessons became more interesting.

Even in the early sparring lessons, it was pretty obvious that one boy has a stronger instinct than the other during sparring. It could be due to their personalities, with one more eager to win at all costs and the other, whom by nature is always more cautious, hesitant to hurt and be hurt.

Chip has always been, and more often than not, the louder, more confident and aggressive one, despite being physically one of the smallest Junior Black belt members in the taekwondo school. As he started at age 5, and both boys attained their Junior Black Belts together in under 3 years, naturally Chip was one of the youngest in that category.

He might not look intimidating when he was relaxing by the side of the room, waiting for his turn. But by the time he faced his opponent, he looked different. The cheeky grin was gone. The facial muscles tensed. His eyes were focused with a certain meanness. It was always a thrill watching him in action.

Late last year, I nudged E to switch the Taekwondo school to one with a more rigorous training programme after watching in dismay the school performance at a competition. In fact, the change should have come sooner, and our procrastination came at a huge cost in terms of lost time and opportunities.

To cut a long story short, he started at a new school that offers a competitive sparring class for kids who are selected. So in addition to the weekly weekend class he attends with M, he also gets to train and spar with stronger opponents to hone his skills twice a week. The few months of tougher and more focused training were indeed useful and money well-spent.

While my ultimate goal is always to teach him the precious life lesson of 'No Pain, No Gain', it certainly does not hurt that he reaped the sweet fruits of his labour when he clinched the two Gold and a Bronze medals in the recent competitions.



To be continued...

Always In Her Mind

A few days before Mother's Day, I found two hand-drawn cards from the Dolly.

I also received little craft flowers she made from school and additional ones that she made at home. She did not wait till Mother's Day to present them to me. She did not feel that I deserved only one. In fact, I had about 4 or 5 on separate days until I had to hint to her to make something else.

What a sweet little kid! Such a heartwarming thought to know that I am always in her mind!

Other than that, this Mother's Day was like any other day.

No one else in the family said anything special or different to me or did anything to show their appreciation for me as their mum.

I don't think for a second that it was because I am a lousy mum or that I have failed as a mum and hence did not deserve any Mother's day celebration.

But it did make me realise that there is one area that I need to work harder on - to teach my boys how to be grateful and show appreciation.

To be fair to them, I don't think the boys knew in advance the date of the Mother's Day.

Now that they are in Upper Primary, the school teachers do not remind them or suggest they make cards or little crafts for mum, unlike the times when they were in kindergartens and lower Primary. The fact that my boys do not watch any TV or listen to radio programmes, they are not exposed to commercials either. They rarely enter malls or retail outlets, hence again, they are unlikely to be exposed to any advertisements that suggest Mother's Day is round the corner.

Unless, of course, someone in the household (in our case, there is only one other adult) reminded them of the date and nudged them into action to show appreciation for mum. Apparently, no one did. Hmmph!

They were oblivious that their sister was busying working on multiple Mother's Day gifts. They also did not connect the dots when the entire extended family had a meal one week earlier to celebrate my mum's birthday and Mother's Day.

It is not the receiving of gifts that I am after. In fact, I don't want them to ever spend a cent of their savings buying any gifts for me. It is the thought that counts. To know that they take the effort and time to think of what to say or do or make for me and to learn to show appreciation and understand the importance and reasons of showing gratitude.

But in this department, I think we have failed miserably. Sigh. Gotta try harder!