Don't Tell Mum

Like a typical parent, I can think of so many hypothetical situations when mean and bad people will do mean and bad things to my kids. 

My way of protecting them from such 'dangers' is to educate them. Whenever an opportunity arises (e.g. a newspaper report of a real incident), I raise their awareness of the existence of such nasties and the possible bad acts that such mean people may commit, and how it may affect them. I ask them questions, answer theirs and even role-play with them if I have to.

I am not worried that by sharing gory details of real mean and bad things that happened to real people in the real world, it will scare the daylight out of them. I simply don't buy the theory we should preserve children's innocence by painting only rosy pictures of their world. I am more pragmatic than that.

Over the years, I have tried to plant in them two concrete beliefs: 

(1) Mum Knows Best (so they should do whatever I ask them to) and

(2) Must Tell Mum Everything 

If someone specifically told them NOT to tell me something, then all the more I should be told. And I always reiterate the importance that they must tell me in full details, the moment they come home.

Well, it is still work-in-progress and not entirely child-proof yet. One boy will always tell me everything, though it can be the moment he gets home or days after. Another boy tends to forget to tell me but I can read him like a book and my intuition almost always alerts me if something isn't right, so I just have to grind him till he spills the beans.

And I did uncover lots of secrets through the boys. 'Secrets' such as the forbidden snacks that they got from grandpa when they were out for strolls and the science experiment they did with daddy in the garden one day, which E told them to keep from me because I would have deemed it too dangerous.

Here is the tricky part - when we instruct kids to hide something from their parents deliberately, despite the intentions (for science or chocolates), we are teaching them to be dishonest. We are telling them it is OK to tell half-truths and lie, as long as we can justify to ourselves that we can get satisfaction from our  actions.

Once we start taking the kids down this path, where do we draw the line? Where will they draw the line? It requires judgement and maturity to know what is too big a matter to lie and what is small enough for them to get away with.

It is a slippery slope. 

So the next time someone tells my kids to lie to me, be warned. I will not take it lightly.

The Up Side

As with most things, there is always a bright side when we care enough to look for it.

While I feel guilty of having little time for him, I also recognize a good change.

He spends a lot more time on quiet reading these days. All on his own.

The Sweetest Word

Got home at 6.30 pm after teaching the last class.

The first thing I saw was Dolly getting all excited to see me. She sure was kicking her arms and legs with all her might and struggling to break free from daddy who was carrying her around.

Then she uttered with big smiles and a really loud voice 'Mama Mama Mama Mama Maaaaaaa-maaaaa ....'.

For the first time. The sweetest word that I was waiting to hear from my baby. :>

She couldn't stop repeating the word for the rest of the evening as she patted my arms and face or rested her head on my shoulders. Aww....  

Dolly is 9.5 months today.  :>

Olivia: 9 months Charmer

  
The little crawler testing her muscles.

 

The big charmer melting my heart. 

Her smitten big brother who just can't resist kissing her. 

Dolly Eats

There is this one particular aspect of my Dolly that I feel deserves some attention and special mention in this blog (so I will never forget!). :)

My little Dolly is a WONDERFUL, wonderful eater! She is such a delight to feed!! It has been so at every meal, since she was 6 months old. This really makes me so happy.

After my overall 'painful' experiences with the boys when they were younger, especially with the first-born, part of me still wanted to remain optimistic that it would be different this time. But I figured in the end that it was best to just stop hoping.

So the week when Dolly turned 6 months, I dragged my feet to the kitchen to check out my stash of supplies that I used for making purees for the boys and dug out my Annabel Karmel recipe books and trusty copy of Super Baby Food by Ruth Yaron.

The first two weeks of initial weaning to solids were not very fun for me, especially since I had to express a little milk to accompany her iron-fortified cereal. Then I started pureeing single food in batches and freezing them in ice-cube trays. It felt more like a chore than real joy, and a big part of me was wondering how much of those purees would end up in the bin.

At 6 months, she still had a bit of the tongue-thrust reflex, which means she wasn't entirely ready. I went really slow, offering just a few baby spoons. More to introduce the act of spoon-feeding than anything else.

But by the time she was 7 months, she started eating a lot more. I followed the 4-day rule, which I also did when weaning the boys, and introduced a new food every 4 days. As the list of food introduced gets longer, it also means I can be more creative in her menu planning. That was when the fun began.

What I didn't expect was the quantity she could eat at 8-months-old and just how eager she was to tuck into her meal, especially since my boys ate like a bird. Maybe Chippy ate more than M, but still, I didn't remember him eating this much at this tender age. So you can imagine my pleasant surprise when Dolly opened her mouth promptly to slurp up every spoonful and when I could not served her fast enough, she would utter sharp 'ahhh' and hit the table in protest. Heehee. She could easily finish up 80g of thick pureed food in under 10 min.

Now, my 9-month-old eats about 120g per meal, sometimes in just 5 min and spends the remaining 20 min at her high chair nibbling on a buffet of organic snacks. Her current favourites are Organix Sweetcorn Rings and Carrot Sticks. The latter is incredibly yummy!




Except for the 5 organic egg yolks a week, she has been on a vegetarian diet so far, with main sources of protein from avocado, whole grains and tofu. A week ago, she tasted cheddar cheese in her wholewheat pasta for the first time and yesterday, she had her first fishy meals (fish with mashed potatoes and peas for lunch and fish with broccoli and brown rice for dinner). She loves them all!

Now I can't wait to have more fun in the kitchen whipping up colourful meals for her.

Shaping their Characters

I have been reflecting a lot lately on how different my boys have become. 

It's not that I'm expecting them to be the same. Of course not! But it is now extremely obvious that they are almost polar opposites in some areas. What intrigues me most are the factors that may have resulted in the change in M's personality in the last 2 years or so. 

At first, I was puzzled. But slowly that has changed into a sense of frustration and now I feel compelled to uncover the 'truths'. 

They probably have different temperaments to begin with, but I also wonder how much of what we are seeing today has to do with our parenting styles, home environment, their birth order and age gap between the boys.

While I'm convinced that the birth order has an effect on the development of their personalities, I also have a nagging suspicion that perhaps the more lasting effect is due to some subtle differences in my parenting style towards the boys. 

Despite our beliefs that we are consistent in the way we parent both kids, I feel an urgent need to reflect and be more conscious of the way I react to and handle the kids. My gut tells me maybe along the way, there is something that I haven't done quite as well as I should or like to and I am hopeful that I can still do something about it to influence the way my boys' personalities are shaping up. 

While I am not trying to mould my children into something that they are not, I also don't buy the laissez-faire approach to parenting. Just because everyone is unique and born with a certain temperament doesn't mean that parents shouldn't be involved in shaping their characters, especially during the formative years. A case in point was my personal experience.

I accept that my boys may have very different temperaments, but there are some character traits that I hope they both will have. So I am not going to be laid back and just wait for their characters to evolve on their own. Instead, I look out for opportunities to shape their personalities through exposure and experience, ways for them to learn to acquire the skills necessary to promote and instill the traits.

It is no secret that a positive learning attitude, good work ethic, honesty, responsibility and compassion rank high on my list, and I do find myself emphasizing their importance to the boys on a daily basis. But there are also some traits that may appear immaterial to others, which I simply can't ignore. Yet, regardless of what I do, nothing seems to change.

In the process of shaping their characters, I am learning to persevere even more as I tackle those stubborn traits that just won't go away.

The Trade-Off

My mum and a few friends commented recently that my boys are really free and all that they seem to do all day is play, draw and read.

They gave accounts of relatives' and friends' kids who spend hours every day labouring over assessment books or tuition homework after finishing their school homework. This is nothing new.

I can see how puzzling it must be to them to see the contrast between other kids and mine and how it must be incredible that M, at Primary 2, is still able to spend a good 5 - 6 hours on a weekday just playing, drawing and reading whatever he likes. On weekends, he spends virtually every waking hour doing the same if we aren't out and about. Leisure time is even longer for N, since at K2, he has only 3 pages of homework once a week, which he finishes within 5 minutes every Friday.

This is all part of our plan, right from when the kids were little.

By laying a strong academic foundation when the kids were younger, hopefully we will delay the need for tuition. Better still, they will not require tuition and extra classes and still be able to excel academically.

Like most things, I value quality above quantity, so I ensure the boys are also not loaded with much written work after school. On average, M spends 2 to 3 hrs weekly on good quality written work and half that time for Chip, so there is ample time for hobbies and relaxation.

It's been all good so far and both boys have returned home with stellar academic performance and reviews according to the teachers' feedback at the Parent-Teacher-Meetings and report books.

But I am never the kind of parent who just accepts the reviews without some probing. I questioned what was not written and I am always interested to know how the kids will be stretched at what they are already good at and helped in areas of weakness.

However, after the Parent-Teacher-Meeting with M's teacher in end May, I have to admit I began to entertain thoughts of homeschooling my kids till PSLE.

A few years ago, when I was seriously considering homeschooling, I always knew that if I were to ever homeschool them, I would only do so for the pre-school years, during the formative years. The kids will join the local mainstream or international schools after kindergarten. There are simply not enough good reasons for me to homeschool them well into PSLE.

But recently, I can't help feeling really disturbed after hearing M's account of his typical school day. His teacher's account didn't help either.

At first, I thought that even if the level of English and Maths taught is so basic and that my kid has to spend his whole day waiting for the teacher to review 2 pages of corrections with the rest of the class when he already knows them all, there has to be value somewhere else.

Perhaps he gets more out of his Chinese lessons, after all, this is one subject in which he can use more 'pushing'. He is great with word recognition and sentence usage but there is always room for improvement in other aspects. Disappointingly, the message I got from the PTM is - the school curriculum will teach the average child what they need to learn, and (of course) it is up to the child (and his family) to bridge the gap between what he has really learnt and what he will eventually be tested on in the national exams.

To know that I can't count on the school teacher or any school programme to ensure any improvement in his areas of weakness, means he is not getting much out of spending 7 hours a day in school (including commuting time). A whopping 140 hours a month! Or 1330 hours a year (just counting 9.5 months of school days)!

I can't help wondering if my child's 1330 hours a year could be better spent if we were to opt for homeschooling instead. I am sure he can learn the same 'little' amount in a third of the time, which means he has so much more time to indulge in something else to widen his horizon.

I am aware that being in a mainstream school is not just about lessons, grades and learning content. There are also many other intangible benefits and opportunities for kids to hone their other life-skills.

There is no perfect education system and I am not expecting it. The question is how much am I willing to accept the flaws, especially knowing that my child is not getting very much out of the 1330 hours a year he has to spend in class. This amount of time will only increase when he is in the upper-primary years when the school requires additional hours of lessons after school.

The trade-off is immense. There is so much to think about.

Not Quite the Lady

Photo: @ 9 months old


Her favourite pose during meal times.

The leg would be up after a few mouthfuls. Even if I managed to coax her to sit properly, her leg would still 'pop' up every few minutes.

One of Her Favourite Books

We have been reading for a few months now. This is just one of the many books.

So far, the little bunny loves her books.


(During one of her reading sessions.)

She likes examining the illustrations and closing the book before I finish reading. But she will open it again.

What she loves just as much, though, is to chew the pages.

Mummy still hasn't gotten to the stage of permitting this act of exploration and it annoys the dolly very much. Poor baby. She already gets to chew and 'taste' many more things than the boys. But not books, dolly.

Nope.

The Great Expectations

E has often remarked how my siblings and I have turned out so differently, despite being raised in the same home environment. One doesn't need to spend much time with us to notice our differences. To that, I have my own theories, which could probably also explain why E is so different from his siblings.

I have been pondering a lot lately. I figured being able to attribute our differences to some tangible causes may offer clues to some parenting issues that I have been grappling with. 

Other than caning and scolding us when we misbehaved, I don't remember my parents spending time working on character building and instilling values. Just handling the daily grind was already more than they could bear. Though there were 'life lessons' in the form of nagging from my mum, it is hard to say how much of it really influenced us. 

But there were several factors in my early childhood days that may have played a big role in shaping my character vis-a-vis my siblings'.

Notably, being aware of my dad's high expectations of me from a tender age gave me a sense of direction and a goal to work towards, even though at first, I was more motivated out of fear of being scolded by him than any genuine interest to do well academically. Oddly, my dad did not have the same high expectations towards my siblings. Perhaps he did at first, but when he realized they did not produce the results he wanted and was too tired to persevere with them, he gave up and just let them be.

By the time I topped my class in upper primary, I no longer needed him to motivate me with fear. I found the 'hunger' I needed to fuel my effort. I set goals for myself and began to work real hard just to defend my 'position' in class. From then on, there was no stopping me in achieving academic success or whatever I set my mind on. The competitive streak stuck with me even after I left school. 

Having the opportunities early on to hone my skills through various childhood experiences is another factor that may have made the difference. From being the leader of the cousins pack to the copious amount of time I spent creating games and imaginative play with my siblings (as we had no real toys nor money to purchase any), it was fertile training ground for those precious life skills for sure. 

I don't remember my siblings ever assuming any roles, other than being followers who played along. So I must have learnt to be persuasive or was just outright domineering. But I can't stop wondering: was it because they have mild temperaments to begin with, hence they could just easily play along and content to be followers or were their characters shaped during all those early years as a result of our shared experiences. 

And once we are labeled as 'clever', 'blur', 'witty' or 'messy' or begin to think of ourselves as such, it may be hard not to form expectations of our own behaviour to reinforce the labels. A self-fulfilling prophecy indeed. 

There are so many lessons for me as a parent, just reflecting on our past. The question is how can I translate these valuable insights into usable opportunities for the boys and for me to be a more effective parent. 

Neglect

My conscience gets pricked a lot these days. It would be a lie to say I don't feel guilty towards him.

It is all too easy to focus more on the baby's needs and his older sibling's school work when I am pressed for time. To make time just to play and read with him is a tall order on most days. As a result, he gets turned away a lot more than I like.

And I just know, E would be quick to remind me of the middle-child-syndrome, something which he understands too well.

I don't know if Chip truly understands that mummy is really trying hard to split my 24 hours as well as I can, playing all my roles as mum, cleaner, cook, teacher, wife and daughter.

I hope he doesn't grow up with the memory of being grossly neglected and thinks that it is all because he is the middle child.