Cabin fever finally caught up with me. Since I haven't introduced any bottles to Olivia yet, I can't be away from her much. The few times when I headed out for errands, I had to rush back to feed her. I have been avoiding nursing rooms, but I know I would have to get used to them soon so we can be out and about for longer stretch of time.
Then there are the breastfeeding hiccups to deal with. Olivia had watery green poo for a few days. She fed round the clock and slept so little (at least that was how I felt). Not sure if it was because she caught a bug, or due to the foremilk/hindmilk imbalance. I'm not ruling out allergies to something in my diet though I have no idea what that could be. Chili? She was probably also going through the 6-week growth spurt.
I cheered when I finally saw the mustard-like, seedy poo again. But after a few days of that, the green poo showed up again yesterday. Now I'm wondering if she has diarrhea. She doesn't look dehydrated so I should just continue breastfeeding and observe her closely. It is just so frustrating not being able to pinpoint an exact cause.
I must admit I'm disappointed too that the milk supply is still not established even though I've been latching baby on demand and expressing minimally only to relieve discomfort in the past 7 weeks. Her constant feeding during the growth spurt has increased the production even more, resulting in slight engorgement every few hours now. I hate the sensations of forceful letdowns and the tingling and shooting pains I feel when the breasts are filling up. Sigh. I miss the times when I get through the days without having to think about my boobs. Already, I can't wait to have them back.
Adding to the woes were the squabbles I had with the family. Mum said some really hurtful and unreasonable things. It's a myth that mothers should know their kids well. Mine certainly doesn't. She is only capable of making up her own absurd conclusions based on her selective perception. It is pointless trying to explain anything to her.
In fact, during my confinement, there were several disagreements initially because of our differences. Later I decided to close eyes, cover ears and shut my mouth in order to avoid further conflicts.
I am still mulling over what she said and though it has been a week since our fight, it hasn't hurt any less. Looks like we won't be talking for a while. At least I know I can't bring myself to. It's a shame and kind of sad to think that she will be missing out on Olivia's growth. But that said, maybe she won't feel the same as I do. After all, she is the one who thinks that grandkids will be closer to her if they only get to see her once in a blue moon.
What's also not helping my mood is how much I miss just hanging out with little Chip. Sometimes I felt a little left out as the boys played with daddy and I had to be stuck in the room nursing. By the time baby is sleeping and I am finally free, Chip is either in school, out with E or already drifted off to dreamland.
I tried to spend time with the boys and have managed to sit with them for a few coaching sessions in the two weeks. But there was very little time left for any bonding. When I am not nursing or carrying baby, I usually have to rush off to clean some parts of the house, hand wash baby's soiled clothes, do laundry, prepare meals or wash pump parts. And of course I have to find time to shower and grab quick bites before baby wakes too.
This is hard. Harder than I had imagined. I have forgotten and hence, underestimated how much time I have to spend with the baby, or rather how little would be left to do anything else. I know it's a phase and it will get better when baby is older. In a few months, maybe even weeks, it will all get better. But there are times in the days when I get teary.
Maybe it is the postpartum blues. I won't be surprised if it is. After all, I have the history.
The highlight of the fortnight was perhaps the belated celebration we threw for Olivia last weekend. A casual gathering with just a few people whom I think care for me and Olivia. I'm not sure if it was just the fresh air, or seeing so many friends at the same time that lifted my spirit a little. But while it lasted, it was so good for the soul.